A New Dewsbury

From Tuesday's Guardian:

Town's troubles
The Yorkshire mill town of Dewsbury, just west of Wakefield, has been at the centre of far more news stories in the past few years than one might expect for a town with a population of just under 55,000. Just before he blew himself up on a tube train at Edgware Road in July 7 2005, Mohammad Sidique Khan had been living there. In June the same year, a girl of 12 was charged with causing grievous bodily harm following what was reported as the attempted hanging of a boy aged five at a housing estate to the east of the town. In February, Dewsbury again made headlines when nine-year-old Shannon Matthews disappeared after going for a swimming lesson in the town centre. Twenty-four days later she was found alive, hidden underneath a bed in a nearby flat. Her mother was charged with perverting the course of justice and child neglect. As well has having six Muslim councillors and Muslim MP Shahid Malik, Dewsbury has had a BNP councillor since 2006. This month, the councillor, Colin Auty, started campaigning to replace Nick Griffin as BNP leader.

It was tempting to love Dewsbury ironically for a while there much like one would wear a t-shirt with Stalin's face on it or claim to be a hardcore 'Going for Gold' fanatic. Yes, irony and my oft-derided hometown fit one another like two things that fit each other well. Alas, such harmless delights as the utterly pathetic Dewsbury-on-sea initiative (AKA Operation Dump Some Sand On Westgate) and a swift half of Stella in The Crimepiece (or Timewasters if you'd prefer) have been dumped into the background of my mental picture of Dewsbury in favour of fake kidnappings, terrorism and stabbings. Morbid fascination with this festering burg will soon grip the nation, as the national press cottons on to the fact that Dewsbury is filled with hate, smackheads, violence and more hate. The town is dirty and unpleasant, and the poorer areas are genuinely scary to walk though at night thanks to gangs of tracksuited teens who quite probably are carrying knives along with their bottles of cheap cider. I keep thinking that the only way is up from here, but if Dewsbury has taught me anything, it's that there's always more down to go.

So what next for Dewsbury? Race riots? The BNP's first MP? Jack D's opening a second venue? No. What I predict is an almost Madona-esque reinvention for Dews Vegas. Captialising on our anguish is the only way to go, and like Terry Waite we too can sell our suffering for a fistful of change. I predict one more news story, perhaps a twelve year-old crack addict will shoot someone in Asda? Maybe Maddie McCann will turn up in Chapel Town? Regardless something's going to tip Dewsbury's perception from a town getting more than its fair share of bad luck to a miserable basin of depression and poverty and when this happens, the good times wil surely follow.

I'm in Vietnam and it's booming, the former Yugoslavia is big with backpackers and even that former penal colony in the middle of nowhere Austraila seems to eb doing well for itself, so why can't The Dewsbronx cash in on this? Museums dedicated to popular local crimes, hostels in Chickenley providing that authentic ''war-torn dystopia'' feel and feel-good movies starring Robin Williams set in Dewsbury Moor! We can all write memoirs about our time in this misbegotten wasteland, where every drunken stroll home from the pub became a fight for our lives, and taxis were regularly shelled with half-eaten kebabs by yobs stinking of cheap lager. Display your mental scars with pride, as the smackhead on Sky News changes from a figure of fun to an inspirational story of hope and an Amnesty International campaign. All the tiny shining beaons of hope thrugh the darkness like Ali Baba's and that pound shop down the arcade will become huge retail giants thanks to the bonanza of sweet tourist's cash.

Yes, it's darkest before the dawn and surely the dawn in Dewsbury will shine all the brighter because of all we have endured. Maybe some time in the next six weeks?